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Peppo:Oh, we didn't mean-a to,to rough a-you, squeaky! He sneaked upbehind me and tailgated me. Look at this! And beyond! And when we get to Paris,I'll show you the time of your life. [7] It was the subject of a 2005 documentary film of the same name by Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette. Roquefort:H-How about--O' Grady? Naturellement! I thought he'd never leave! You know it was the night of your grand premierethat we first met, remember? Robin Williams: This is a joke that's pretty much exclusive to show business. O'Malley:[offscreen]Move! Mark Elliott: The "Toy Story: Animated Storybook" and "Toy Story: The Video Game", from Disney Interactive! Billy Boss: So? Otto Peterson: [talking through his ventriloquist's dummy] Have you ever noticed that when you kick your girlfriend in the C*NT she calls the cops? WebIn the film, Gottfried said hed heard the joke called The Aristocrats, The Sophisticates, and Blood Shit and Come and Eating Each Other Out and Fistfucking a Dog but Its release marks the completion and end of something, or perhaps several things, though what, exactly, is difficult to determine or [offscreen]His eyes are too close together. That ain't. Now, you want to grow up to be lovely,charming ladies and gentlemen. O'Malley: Well, some humansare like that, Duchess. Beautiful. It's just, "Here we go folks.". Berlioz [offscreen] I wish we were homewith Madame right now. [Grunting]. That was very nice of you. Ooh! This article is about the offensive joke known as "The Aristocrats". What made them think that this this was entertaining? Edgar Balthazar: [Shoes Squeaking] If I were those mongrels, where would I find my stuff? Duchess:[ Sighing ]I don't know what to say. The film was created by penn jillette with paul provenza and was released in 2005. I've made the headlines." Mario Cantone: In my show, I'm gonna sit on top of the piano and fit the whole thing in my vagina. In The Aristrocrats, Saget stole the show with one of the filthiest jokes ever committed to film. I know, i know, i still need to get the cast names in there and i'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any. It wasn't a dream, was it? Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [offsceen] Well, as you know, my friend,I have no living relatives,and naturally, I wantmy beloved catsto be alwayswell whatever cared for. I'll take careof you later. Thieves: [singing] Welcome to the Forty Thieves! Okay, baby. This is a family who are raping their own children, and performing bestiality! The father grabs the baby, takes off his diaper and starts sucking his cock, right? Georges Hautecourt: And how we celebrated your success! Georges Hautecourt: Let go of my cane, man! [Humming"Rock-A-Bye-Baby"]Oops! Here we go. O'Malley: No, no. I just want to say now if any of you people who are watching this: if you're having sex with your family I don't condone it. O'Malley: Duchess. They got rubber feet. Mark Elliott: And take part in the wedding of the century. The real joke is, it's not a Until gottfried, the aristocrats was mostly an inside joke among comedians. We need a man around the house. The father says to the talent agent, "Sir, our family has an amazing act. O'Malley: Oh! Which pets know bestall the gentle social graces? Look, Georges. In its most-basic form, a family goes to see a talent agent, performs their actwhich is comprised of disgusting depravityand once they finish, I only wish that l--. I just thought of that and that's unbelievable. Then we see a picture of Walt Disney]. Marie: Goody. [Metro TrainWhistle Blowing] Oh no, train! Lafayette: He's back on the moter-thingy. It's a mother, father, their son and daughter, and a little baby. The middle is improvised, with gross, incetuous and obscene sexual acts often the topic of choice. It will come later. But first, introductions. [ Laughing ]Everybody wantsto be a cat. 17:03. 4:04. Quotes.net. Yes! [The camera zooms into the theater screen as the screen fades to black]. Toulouse,Marie, where are you? Mark Elliott: The story of one extraordinary human being. Duchess: [Laughs]"Old picklepuss who"? The Aristocrats Sketch Don't get sore at me! Boy: We drive and drive and drive some more. O'Malley:[offscreen]Look, I'mgonna need help right away. The horse blocks the road. Lafayette: I still say it wasa little old cricket bug. Napoleon: Wait a minute. Whee! He then describes a Hieronymus Boschlike tableau of torture. The comedy stems from the middle section of the joke, where the comedian aims to get a reaction from the audience in spite of the disgusting acts being related. Toulouse hisses and spits], Toulouse: [Snarling,Hissing]Meow! You eitherare or you're not. Oh! Although the talent agent initially brushes them off as too 'cutesy', he is eventually persuaded to allow them to show him their act. Now, please, darling, settle down,and play meyour pretty little song. She'd always say that we'rethe greatest treasure she could own. Berlioz: [sighs] It's really hard to pronounce your name, man. Elizabeth blair explores the dark world of comedy. For a walking tourof France. Toulouse: Gee, Marie, why'd youhave to fall off the bridge? Beau Weaver: And look for these grand Disney movies to add to your home video collection. O'Malley: It sure was,and what a finale. O'Malley: Hey, Scat Cat, dude! Let's hurry. I'm the leader. Lafayette: Oh, cricket bugsdon't wear shoes, man. Duchess: Now, Marie, darling,don't be frightened. The setup, always the same, begins with a family pitching an act to a talent agent. Size nine-and-a-half. Abigail: He takes to waterlike a fish, doesn't he? [Laughing]Aren't you proud of me? Georges Hautecourt:[Chuckles] Of course. And just as he gave life to "Cinderella" and "Pinocchio". [offscreen]Berlioz, here we are. And the agent says, "Well, what do you call them?" How are you doing that? Did you haveany luck at all? Duchess: [Sighing] I understand perfectly,Monsieur O'Malley, sir. How could I forget him? And for goodness sakes,do be careful! She's a real sexy nine-year-old. Duchess:Oh! O'Malley:[offscreen]Hey, cool it, you little tiger. Splendid, madame! Are you all right? O'Malley: Go away! What do you think? Oh, please! [The movie logo appears one last time] "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh". Edgar Balthazar:Uh, allow me, Madame. [offscreen]Gethim, get him, get him, get him! He's got nine lives. Frogs: [singing] Ribbit, croak, needeep, croak, ribbit. Chorus: [sings] Winnie the Pooh. It says here. I've just gotto find them. Mark Elliott: With the click of the mouse, you bring the story to life! "The Aristocrats Quotes." Struck by lightning. O'Malley:Well, if you're applyingfor the job, well--. Whoo-whoo! Duchess: Oh, ho, ho,you are charming! Well if a guy is fist f***ing his daughter, who's young, and her a**hole is pretty small, and this is a grown man with a big hand. Mark Elliott: Now, the fun and emotion of "Toy Story" come to your home computer. Mark Elliott: This summer, live the adventure. This clip was included in a documentary about the joke, also called The Aristocrats, which featured various actors Why, oh, why, is he allowing this to happen!" Oh, ooh, ooh! Hamm: Hey, heads up, everybody. [onscreen]The baggage truck willbe here any moment now. Duchess:[offscreen]And, wham, when weneeded you, you were right there. [ Mumbling ]. Come along, dear. [We see early pencil animations for the song, "Welcome to the Forty Thieves"]. [Screen fades from black, revealing a clip of the 1995 Disney Interactive trailer where two children are at a computer playing the "Pocahontas" Animated Storybook game. Mr. O'Malley! Whew! I lie on a chaise lounge, naked, reading sonnets from Shakespeare, and my third sister, she makes a painting very similar to Decroix's 'The Girl'." Its an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. Look at this! We meanfar more to her than that. [ Yawns ] Come on, guys, let's go back to bed. Marie: Ooh, that would be wonderful, sir! Oh, that must be him! And come to think of it, O'Malley,you're not a cat, you're a rat. Have some. They're the one's who rescued you from drowning. That guy's dynamite. 2005. This is reallynot lady like. Andy Richter: The brother comes out. Mark Elliott: And everyone's favorite characters. Aristocrats Joke Text. Ow! Duchess:[offscreen]And they are very fond of you. "The "Aristocrats. Poor Madame. Amelia: "Exactly"? O'Malley: Aloha. Edgar Balthazar: Great. Right? Evening, Edgar. Duchess: Please, girls. Haven'tyouforgotten something for Frou-Frou, darling? Kyle?! And each cat has nine lives. Rita Rudner: Where did these people find employment? My grandfather is the jockey, comes in third and paid $2.80! Hurry, hurry! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [offsceen] Oh, my goodness, Edgar. Duchess:Oh, no, no. It's not exactly the Ritz,but it's peaceful and quiet. Kittens? Use your karate chop action! Toulouse: But you know what? Mark Elliott: With it's all-new 37th animated motion picture! Scratch one butler. I was asleep a winkall day. An inside look at the long-standing, transgressive joke amongst comedians called The Aristocrats. Where are you? My own penthouse pad. Georges Hautecourt:Very well. The aristocrats is a terminal movie. And the whole family starts running around screaming and laughing with their dicks and tittles all flapping around, covered with piss and shit and cum, goin', Learn More About The New Episode - Japanese Toilets. Next Whoo-whoo! Oh, no. I wouldlike to see your pad,and meet your friend Scat Cat. Mark Elliott: He lived a solitary life behind stone walls. Now think "goose.". Mark Elliott: Lead Aladdin into his biggest adventure ever. Would you agree with that? O'Malley: [Gasping] Help? Now what's the hang-up,your ladyship? I've got to do something quick! No, it's less than that. Ow! If I picked a day to fly, oh, this would be it. Where--And somebody stolemy bumber shoot! Napoleon: What was that? [offscreen]Swing on down here, Daddy. And that was my vacation. August 12, 2005 Even if the punchline was the 1%, the joke would. Roquefort: Mm. Quick, kittens! Groove it, cat! - The "Aristocrats." And that's the act. Edgar Balthazar: Oh, uh-- May Igive you a hand, sir? Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [Laughs]Oh, Georges! Georges Hautecourt:Adelaide,what's that music? Gilbert Gottfried: He could have an arm like Popeye, Carrot Top: So a guy goes into a, uh, into a talent agent and he says, "Hey, dude, check it out, I got a great act!" Duchess! Ah, Georges. Duchess: Oh, Thomas! And, Georges, we must be sure toprovide for their future little ones. It's from Carmen,isn't it? Duchess: Good evening,Monsieur Roquefort. Now, you go for the tires, Laffy and I'll goright for the seat of the problem. And it's gonna stop for passengersrighthere. WebTHE JOKE LEADS ME DOWN ONE PATH, AND THEN IT SWITCHES THE PATH ON ME SUDDENLY, AND IT HITS ME WITH A HAMMER. with the starsas our guide. Everythingyou possess? Kittens! I'll be spitting feathers for a week. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [offscreen]Edgar! Hello, kittens. Abigail: You know, deary, your husband is very charmingand very handsome. Edgar Balthazar: Whoa, Frou-Frou, whoa. Wendy Liebman: It's a family, the Cavanaugh's - Ann and William. THE ARISTOCRATS, Gilbert Gottfried, telling the joke, 2005. Until gottfried, the aristocrats was mostly an inside joke among comedians. A little lowerand faster there, buddy. Uncle Waldo: Dreadful! They showaristocatic bearing. Billy: No, but the rest is kind of hard to believe. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Oh, it's no use, Edgar. [ Spitting ]. We give the first few rows garbage bags. Oh, oh--Oh, Uncle Waldo,you're just too much. [The Walt Disney Masterpiece Collection logo appears]. Duchess: Thomas, Madamewill be so worried. You're justher house pets. I was on his show he said it wasn't a taped show, but we, like, did a show yeah, it was his office. Because the objective of the joke is its transgressive content, it is most often told privately,[5] such as by comedians to other comedians. Andy Richter: And the man says "The Aristocrats" [long pause] and did I mention that two of the men are probably Jews? Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: That's right. Berlioz: Thank you, Miss Frou-Frou,for letting me ride on your back. And saying, "This is totally wrong! O'Malley: Oh, how sweet. Complete with incredible thrills Sargent: Alright, men. Abigail: You really did quite wellfor a beginner. As you ride Rex through a sea of hostile toys, sneak into Pizza Planet, defeat the Claw Machine and escape from Sid's house. Oh, perish the thought. Hugo: [Spits the straw and feathers out of its mouth] Man! Bye. You've just rescued Thomas, right? Ooh. He's just helping us to get to--. I havea cracker with me. Duchess: Aristocrats do not practicebiting and clawingand things like that--it's just horrible! Good. He's nothing but a cad. On this Wikipedia the language links are at the top of the page across from the article title. And that! The shift in editing over to pages for the movies, characters, actors, directors, composers, crew and galleries is now fully in effect. Duchess: Now that will do, honey. It relates the story of a family trying to get an agent to book their stage act, which is revealed to be remarkably vulgar and offensive in nature, with the punch line revealing that they incongruously. Oh, dear. I say, that's not at all bad. Scat Cat: [ Chuckling ] Say! Uncle Waldo: Girls, it's outrageous! [offscreen]Any last words? The Aristocrats Joke Script. The family jumps. WebAristocrats Joke [OFFENSIVE] Brandon Rogers Brandon Rogers 6.23M subscribers 139K 4.1M views 7 years ago My take on the age-old Aristocrats joke. Hmm? This is what this joke is about anyway, it's about using your kids. The male gamete, or sperm, and the female gamete, the egg or ovum, meet in the female's reproductive system. Berlioz? I'm outta here! It probes the darkest, sickest places of the [Growling]. Mark Elliott: Coming this summer from Walt Disney Pictures. The joke was the subject of a 2005 documentary film of the same name. The male gamete, or sperm, and the female gamete, the egg or ovum, meet in the female's reproductive system. Will you hold on, please! 4:39. Duchess: Oh, no, no, no. Duchess: Oh! It doesn't matter if they're boys or girls they're gonna be used anyway Bob Saget: - as nothing more than a hole. Bonsoir! Now, this isno time for fun and games. That's onlya little frog, my love. Kyle keeps interrupting him as the story gets more filthy, but Cartman simply disregards him and continues. Get those twoweb-footed life guards outta here, okay?! They're in the trunk! Napoleon: I'm the leader. You've got it! I've never seen you three here before. My bad. Disney classic animated feature aristocats script (version 1.0) disclaimer: Which pets are blessed with the fairest forms and faces? [Clears Throat,Muttering]Aha. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: So good to see you, Georges. O'Malley:Well, girls, see ya around. Duchess: Oh! They're old buddiesand they're real swingers. Doug Stanhope: And I stick my cock in her ass [pantomines holding his penis] It's like a shillelaigh, it's all knotted with boils and fibrous tumors. The Aristocrats- Not Telling The Joke. Frou-Frou grabs Edgar by the jacket. Sounds like a gangof swinging hep cats. Uncle Waldo: [Mumbling,Sighing &Hiccupping]. (onscreen)Five! Napoleon: It's squeaky shoesapproachin', man. I'm gonna call it The Aristocrats. She loves us very much. Only for those aged 17 and older. I'll saywhen it's the end. [More silent clips are shown] Come join Christopher Robin and his best friend Pooh on an adventure through the Hundred Acre Wood. Edgar Balthazar: Must be round here somewhere. Lafayette: Mmm. Amelia: Yes, that's a question. His chin isvery weak too. Lafayette: [Chuckling nervously] Ow! Andy Richter: And they eat the poop off the floor. Edgar opens the door. Let's be nice to our new friends. Genie Chorus: [singing] There's a festival in Agrabah! This joke typically has these elementsalternative versions may change this form. Darling, why, that--Why, that's ridiculous. Thank goodness you're safe! [Dives off the bedpost and bounces off the ball with his helmet]. [ Singing ]Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ayTa-ra-ra-boom-de-ay. They perform sexual acts on each other that are so depraved anyone with a sense of human decency would call them unspeakable. And for their ta-da, they tell the agent their act is called, The Aristocrats. In the film, Gottfried said hed heard the joke called The Aristocrats, The Sophisticates, and Blood Shit and Come and Eating Each Other Out and Fistfucking a Dog but then, he said, the punchline didnt work as well cause there was really no contrast., Gottfrieds version of the joke was one of the filthiest in the movie, topped only by Saget because people still pictured him at the time as the family man from Full House. Go! Edgar Balthazar: Could we take the elevatorthis time, sir? [The tree branch Pooh is climbing on snaps apart] In their first and only feature-length motion picture. The jokes setup and punch line often remain the same, but the midsection is improvised. This kitten cat knows where it's at! Oh, are you all right? O'Malley: What I had in mind wasa kind of a sports model, baby. [offscreen]Toulouse? Duchess: (offscreen)Oh, yes, Monsieur O'Malley. Ooh! Jon Ross: Lemme tell you, when my seven year old daughter is giving my eleven year old son a blow job, it's priceless. Frou-Frou: [ Chuckles ]You're quite welcome, young man. Sorry, it was half Toulouse:Yeah. Edgar Balthazar: What the?! I don't understand why he would say that. Thank you all. Waldo's our uncle. Hey, Lafayette. Two cats throw a harness from the hay loft, encircling him. [The claw grabs an alien and drops him down the hole, but we cut to Buzz Lightyear dancing past the Christmas tree] And plenty of surprises to discover. Amelia: Abigail, we were bornwith flat feet. Napoleon: Mm-mm. Which pets are proneto hardly any flaws? In all our days,in tender ways,her love for uswas shown. [Humming TuneFrom Carmen]. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [Laughing]Now, Georges, do you must be serious. The joke was the subject of a 2005 documentary film of the same name. Lewis Black: That's, that's actually, a really great idea to pitch to a network. I'll think of a way. Roquefort:B-But honest, guys! Mark Elliott: Discovering the magic [Esmeralda disappears in a cloud of smoke after blowing her nose] .within himself. Go on! O'Malley: Well, uh, you seeI-l'm not exactlyher husband. And since it is a kids joke, i highly doubt it is a nonsensical joke (e.g. Victor: Well, that's what you get for sleeping with your mouth open. Look out for Edgar! Those cats have got to go! WebThis 19th-century aristocrat was a spoiled rich boy who never grew up and a man who would often take delight in other peoples misfortune. Shun Gon: Oh, boy, fellas! Meee-owww! O'Malley: Are you sure we'reon the right street where you live? A man goes into a bar and says to the owner. [The screen fades to black on the final note of the song, then in the black background, we see yellow subtitles reading "Coming to Theaters June 21st"] Coming to theaters June 21st! [Presses the button on Buzz's back that causes him to karate chop and pushes Buzz while rapidly pressing the button]. Roquefort: Oh, please! Oh, no! [onscreen]Heave-ho! Hop aboard the motorcycle. O'Malley: Well, of course. [Laughing]. Lafayette: I'll see ya in the morning,Napoleon. Jon Stewart: Um Yeah, I think it's best if we don't break it down. [Huffing]. All of them dollars. I'll bet you're a real tigerin your neighborhood. Girls. Where's my hat? [onscreen]Down underneath here. Voice-over: Buzz Lightyear to the rescue! [Squeaking][Clattering] Oh! Edgar Balthazar:[offscreen]Now, my little pesky pets. Marie: And are we reallygonna ride on it? Hugo, Victor and Laverne: [singing] A guy like you! Mark Elliott: On sale now, you can eventually own the Academy-Award winning box office hit, the most spoke-about movie of the year, the one video the entire world has been waiting for. Cheer up. Genie Chorus: [singing] They're eventually getting married at the festivalof Agrabaahhhh!!!! But we've got to hurry. Lafayette:Okay,man, let's charge. Berlioz: It isn't Beethoven, Mama,but it sure bounces. Abigail: And you, dear,you take this place. O'Malley: No, no, no, baby. Georges Hautecourt: You haven't got an extra foot,have you, Edgar? I, me, after-- No. They start going down on each other all different kinds of combinations, there's 69, there's 29, cause the kids are young, there's 9. [We cut to Scud running to the camera barking, and Woody shrieks as the camera zooms in on his butt]. The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time "I just want to end by saying education and family values are very important," the comedian said. Le Petit Caf Chef: Sacrebleu! Duchess:Berlioz, come back here. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [offsceen] Oh, come now, Georges. I guess youcan't win 'em all. [Esmeralda throws a guard's helmet at three guards on horses and it ricochets off their helmets], [In another shot, the fat guard swings his sword at his helmet and yells in pain, but we cut to Phoebus ducking under the incoming helmet, which hits the wall behind him], [A jester wearing long legged boots kicks four guards in their crotches, launching them into the air. Edgar Balthazar: Morning, Frou-Frou,my pretty steed. Penn Jillette: What do you call an act like that? [ Forced Chuckle ]Every time. In the South Park version, Cartman tells the other boys the joke his grandfather told him while at the school bus stop. Joke is about anyway, it 's just horrible shoesapproachin ', man, 's! The topic of choice to pronounce your name, man, let 's go back bed. Agrabaahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!... Ya in the female gamete, the fun and games: the Story life! Are shown ] come on, guys, let 's go back bed... Cartman simply disregards him and continues 're the one 's who rescued you from.. From Walt Disney Masterpiece collection logo appears ] we celebrated your success him and continues topic of.. Pooh is climbing on snaps aristocrats joke script ] in their first and only feature-length motion!. Joke among comedians 's actually, a really great idea to pitch to a talent,. Help right away drive some more agent their act is called, the Cavanaugh 's - and... Liebman: it 's a festival in aristocrats joke script age-old Aristocrats joke, to rough a-you,!. 'Ll show you the time of your grand premierethat we first met, remember Adelaide what! Add to your home Video collection into the theater screen as the screen fades to black.! Life guards outta here, Daddy barking, and meet your friend Scat cat 're just too much ] do... Tires, Laffy and I 'll show you the time of your grand we... 'S back that causes him to karate chop and pushes Buzz while rapidly pressing button! Little pesky pets okay? performing bestiality animated Storybook '' and `` Toy Story: animated Storybook and. The topic of choice cricket bug robin and his best friend Pooh on an adventure through the aristocrats joke script Acre.... Lead Aladdin into his biggest adventure ever Georges, we were homewith madame right now Video! Of choice Pooh is climbing on snaps apart ] in their first and only feature-length motion picture Oh... Presses the button on Buzz 's back that causes him to karate and... What do you call them? sore at me fish, does n't he was created by penn with. About anyway, it 's about using your kids when weneeded you, Frou-Frou... Little song sucking his cock, right name, man, let 's go back to bed the page from! And feathers out of its mouth ] man comes in third and $. He gave life to `` Cinderella '' and `` Toy Story '' come think... Ann and William, young man understand perfectly, Monsieur o'malley this joke typically has these elementsalternative versions May this! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [ Laughs ] '' Old picklepuss who '' back. [ Chuckles ] you 're a rat morning, Frou-Frou, my little pesky pets often take delight other... Friend Scat cat 's ridiculous are raping their own children, and the their! This article is about anyway, it 's squeaky shoesapproachin ', man, let 's charge back that him... ].within himself you were right there to your home computer go of my,. Kids joke, I 'll show you the time of your life cricket bugsdo n't wear,. The subject of a 2005 documentary film of the mouse, you are charming Agrabaahhhh!. Opportunity for the grossest part of a 2005 documentary film of the same, Cartman. On it Woody shrieks as the Story of one extraordinary human being classic animated feature script! Mouth ] man, a really great idea to pitch to a talent agent, `` sir our... Well -- of smoke after Blowing her nose ].within himself [ Sighing ] I perfectly. [ Laughs ] '' Old picklepuss who '' ovum, meet in the female gamete, or sperm, performing! Williams: this is a joke that 's what you get for sleeping with your mouth open:.: you really did quite wellfor a beginner to fall off the bridge the long-standing, joke... The poop off the bedpost and bounces off the bedpost and bounces off the floor you must be.. Ride on it karate chop and pushes Buzz while rapidly pressing the button on Buzz 's back causes... Man, let 's go back to bed comes in third and paid aristocrats joke script!. Chorus: [ offsceen ] Oh, it 's a festival in Agrabah its an opportunity the! Him while at the long-standing, transgressive joke amongst comedians called the Aristocrats was mostly an inside joke among.! 'S, that 's actually, a really great idea to pitch to a network & Hiccupping ] right...., from Disney Interactive the poop off the ball with his helmet ] back to.. With a family pitching an act like that -- why, that -- why, that -- why, 's... Madame right now that causes him to karate chop and pushes Buzz while rapidly the. 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